Sex and Intimacy

One of my textbooks talks about something that really rings true for me, so I thought I would share it. That is, the difference between sex and erotic love, two things which seem to get very tangled in modern society in my experience. Now I will start by saying flat out: yes, I am a virgin, and no, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. For me, the idea of sleeping with someone is an act of intense intimacy, an opening up and exposing the vulnerability of oneself to someone whom you feel exceptionally close to. Sex - the act itself - consists purely with physical gratification. Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that - everyone has bodily needs to attend to, it's just part of being human. My problem is that people seem to interpose the two; if they want that intense feeling of connection to another person they think that they can achieve it with plain sex, but it doesn't work that way. Real, genuine intimacy takes time and patience, as well as a commitment to one another. Sex only satiates the physical need, not the emotional one, so using sex as a way to try and reach that intimacy never works. Unfortunately, too many people seem to think that it does and end up disappointed. Maybe if people looked at sleeping together less as "having a good time" and more as "making love" it would hold more meaning for them. Anyway, that's just what I think.

Awkward Subject Matter

Hello again, imaginary friends! Since my last posting I have started up at school again, and classes are going well. Except for one thing that's a little annoying: I am getting very tired of reading about Freud. *Warning, contains subject matter relating to sex* It's getting ridiculous! All of my textbooks start out with the basic "this is the scientific method", "this is how you do an experiment", "these are the different types of studies" stuff as well as a little basic history of each of the fields. The next section covers Freud, so I have to read all the same stuff about him over and over again in 3 different books, all at the same time. Now, he was an interesting enough guy with some ... creative ... ideas, but most of his more specific concepts and causes just seem to come out of left field. Like he claims that when little girls realize that they have a different anatomy than boys, they suffer penis envy because they want something between their legs too. (Forgive me if this comes out a bit muddled, I'm sleepy and may not be remembering it perfectly) Because Mommy gave birth to them, it must be her fault for not providing them with this particular appendage, so they get mad at her, and because Daddy has one he must know the secret of how to get one. Therefore Daddy becomes sexually desirable, and because Mommy has Daddy, the little girls identify with Mommy. Eventually the little girls somehow rationalize that sex can give them a baby, which is something that comes out from between their legs, so a baby is close enough to a penis to sate their envy. (WTF?) And because poop is elongated and comes out from between your legs, somehow that also roughly equates to penis. So baby = penis = poop, especially in dreams. I think this man was dropped on his head as a child. Sorry, I just had to rant about the strangeness to someone, and while I'm quite difficult to offend, my family is weird about what is okay to talk about and what isn't, so I can't really rant to them.

On a less eccentric note, I have again forced myself to be brave and move forward into the social realms, this time in the form on online dating. I revisited a site I'd tried in the past - this time actually aware of my problems with social phobia - and I've actually managed to hit it off with a guy that I found there. He doesn't actually live anywhere near me, about 15-20 hours away by car maybe, so there's no pressure to meet up before I'm ready, which is nice. So far he seems like a really sweet guy, and when I find his letters in my inbox I get a little giddy feeling in my stomach even though we've only been writing each other for a week now. I'm very aware that I have a tendency to start crushing on nearly any guy that shows me a little attention, but all the same it's cool to feel like I'm actually connecting with someone in a way that has some romantic potential down the road. I've liked certain guys in the past and even been on a couple of dates (I asked, not them), but it's a very new feeling to have someone responding positively like this. Maybe this will go somewhere and maybe it won't, but I'm definitely moving in the right direction and it feels wonderful.

Waiting for School

Hello again to the imaginary people who read my blog! An update from my last post, my stories have now been read by nearly 2,000 people, 56 countries, all six populated continents. YAY! And several people love them! It makes me so happy!

Okay, done with that. Today I'm going to rant a bit. Because I can, and someone has been getting under my skin. I mentioned a while ago that my housing plans with friends fell through because of my financial problems. As a result, one of the two 'friends' has stopped speaking to me, and I will no longer be able to visit the other once school starts because the annoyed one will not welcome me in her home. Now, I realize that I screwed up, I take full responsibility for that, but I think after 2 months she should get the hell over it. I reimbursed her for the money that she paid for the apartment application, I haven't done anything flakey to her in the past, and I was just as caught off guard by my sudden lack of funding as she was. I just don't get it, why does she still hate me so much? How is it that I'm just as lost with regard to female behavior as all the men I know are?

Wahooo!!!!!!

Haven't updated here in a while. Passed my first psych class with an A-, and just wrapped up my second class as well, with 99.65%! I am feeling more at peace with myself than I have in my entire life, it is amazing. I am communicating with my parents, I am setting boundaries with my sister, I am interacting with the world around me, and I am even losing weight without even trying (no I'm not anorexic, I'm over 200 lbs at present).

And even better, I'm writing! Not here so much, obviously, but writing fiction. Mostly fanfiction to be frank, because I'm having trouble figuring out where to go with my own works, but it's proving to be excellent practice as well as a major ego boost. "How is it an ego boost" you ask? Simple, for the first time in my life, I have posted completed fiction works online at a site where they can be easily read. And people have read them, they like them! As of this moment my scribbles have been read by 89 people in 17 countries, across 5 continents!

This may not sound like a big deal, but I have never, ever let random strangers into the sporadic workings of my twisted mind before. The reason I'm not including this blog when I say that is that this is more upfront to me, I feel more in control of the impression that comes across. When I write fiction it isn't just my surface thoughts and opinions that come across, it's a deeper vulnerability, something that my mind has created without me being able to rationalize it. My opinions are usually logical; my imagination is anything but, and because of that I'm often afraid of getting a reaction along the lines of "that is what goes on in your head? FREAK!"

That's why this is so monumental for me, because I'm exposing my raw psyche to the world. At least that's how it feels. And because I've been getting a positive response I have been so incredibly motivated to continue. It's amazing! Anyway, that's all for now.

Oh, and in case anyone actually reads my blog and wants to read my fanfictions, you can find them at http://www.fanfiction.net/~lyeundu .

drained, but happily so

Been a couple of weeks. My psych class is going great, 2 A's and a B+ on tests with 2 more to go. Ended up dropping stats for now, to hard for a dull online class to hold my focus with so little free time. Been spending most of said free time reading Naruto manga online.

Edit: Deleted most of what I'd written here. I'd realized in hindsight the perils of blogging when I'm tired, that being that my internal filter seems to go out the window and I sometimes cross into subject matter that I'd rather not share with just anyone, things that my mother has described as "too much information". If I was keeping this blog completely anonymous, as had been my original intent, then I might say screw it and leave it in, but since I'm writing under the same username that I've associated with basically all of my internet activity, I've decided to keep some things reined in.  Particularly now that the 10-year old that I'm tutoring also knows that username, there are certain lines that I don't want to cross if he should stumble across my page.

Destiny

So I've started up classes again, and just finished day 3 of intro psych. So far we've been focusing on the biological elements of psychology. In the twenty years I have been a student, this is the first time I have ever been this completely fascinated by a course! Finally, after six years of college, two schools, and four majors I have found my calling! Behavioral neuroscience! Which consists roughly of poking a brain to see what it does. That's a really crude description, but a fairly accurate concept. Using imaging devices to examine which areas are active during behavior, examining how behavior changes in people with brain damage, that sort of thing. Did you know that if you apply a slight, harmless electrical charge to a certain area in the temporal lobe that the person will suddenly have the feeling that they have seen the future, just without knowing anything they might have seen about it? Isn't that so cool?! And did you know that while the cell bodies of the largest neurons are maybe 1/500th of an inch, the axoms (tail like structure that sends electro-chemical signals to other neurons) can be as long as three feet? Imagine, an individual cell in your body that is three feet long. Wow.

Tired

I realized something today. I'm just being stupid by being vague about my sex here, so screw it, I'm a girl. Well, tomboy. I have all of these defenses that I build up around me, and I really need to start learning to thaw them. When I realized that I was an androgyne a few years ago I should have embraced the fact that I had learned something new about myself and moved forward, but instead I latched onto it as an excuse to hide parts of myself from other people. I'm very good at that, hiding behind a mask so that no one can see the gooey core underneath, particularly at hiding from myself. And as long as I keep this safety buffer of vagueness hovering around me, all I'm doing it standing still.

Realized today that my plan to move out and get an apartment with some friends wouldn't work. Had a panic attack when I tried to work up the courage to tell them that I was gonna have to pull out. So far it's worked out okay though, one of them is pretty ticked, but the other is amazingly understanding. She is my absolute hero right now. I don't want to use anyone's real name here, so I'll call her Kinetia, since she's always got so much energy due to the amount of coffee that she drinks. Oh, and yes, I took two years of Greek in college, so any code names I use will be based on Greek names or root. Cause it's fun. But back to what I was saying, it is really frustrating that after all this time I still can't seem to look before I dive into something. For months I've been telling them that I was going to live with them, not question about it, but the night before I have to turn in the rental application I have to back out. At least this time I managed to get out before I really started drowning. Maybe I am doing a little better after all.

Fallout

So after announcing my great epiphany I consequently crashed from my "high" and slumped into a funk. Nothing in my life that I can think of triggering it, just my brain chemistry screwing with my mind I guess. I donated blood about the same time, which probably left me anemic and the resulting fatigue might have been enough to affect my mood. Unfortunately this coincided with my mother having a bit of a tantrum and informing me that I'm not accomplishing anything and that I better start shaping up or she's going to pull her support. She apologized later that day for being insensitive, but I still avoided her for about a day and a half. On a positive note, this event left me more pissed than anxious, so in anger and frustration I wrote her a letter explaining what I need and why I can't let her make the rules. I've spent my entire life trying to be who other people needed me to be, and if I'm finally going to break that cycle I have to do it on my terms, not someone else's. I think this time she finally heard me. Right after I sent it, I found a list of guidelines in my anxiety workbook for the support people of those with phobias and anxiety disorders. Among the "rules" are don't push the phobic, don't make demands, don't criticize, let the phobic make the rules and do things in their own time, trying to control the situation only causes alienation. So, in other words, don't act like my mother.

Reconnected tonight with a good friend that I haven't really given myself an opportunity to talk to for a while. He's someone that I had a really big crush on when I was at my first college. Still haven't completely got over it in fact. I'd told him before, but kinda on accident, a rare blip of courage that quickly fizzled and left me overly worried about the outcome. As a result I always felt that I botched the situation because I let myself stress too much. Now that I am 5 years older, and consequently much wiser, I now possess knowledge of a great truth about dating. If someone is not interested in you, it does not mean that they are rejecting you! It simply means that that kind of chemistry isn't present. It's not a judgement, not a rejection, not a lack in you, just a reality. This is why if you think you have feelings for a friend it doesn't have to be scary to tell them, clearly they do not reject who you are because they enjoy spending time with you, they just might not feel the same chemistry that you do. And there is nothing wrong with that. If I had realized that then I could have remained calm instead of stressing about the situation, worrying about whether he agreed to a date because he was actually interested or because he was a kind person who didn't want to hurt my feelings. And if I was calm something might have happened instead of me acting awkward the whole time and not pursuing anything afterwards. Even now I want to say something to him about it, but my stupid phobia is holding back from bringing up the subject 5 years after the fact, because at this point I've waited too long to bring it up, right? Well maybe I'll get a second chance despite myself. Mentioned in my email to him that I was blogging, so for all I know he tracked this down and is reading it right now. If so, then hi, guess now you know. Part of my brain is screaming 'no don't put this out where he could see it', but then the whole point of this blog is to desensitize myself, open up and expose what it is that makes me feel vulnerable so that I can learn to move past it. Even so, I can't believe that I'm actually posting this. Lets call it my breakthrough for the day.

Gaining Perspective

Do you know what the most terrifying thing in the world is? The realization that everything you want, everything you need is right within your grasp. That you have the power to take control whenever you choose. It is a frightening thing to realize that you have that much power, and that all you need to do is use it. I don't mean physical power, or power over any one else, just the strength of character to do what you must.

My whole life I've felt weak and overwhelmed, out of touch with the rest of the world unless someone else was telling me what I needed to do, what I was supposed to achieve, and who I was meant to be. And when I couldn't stick with what others wanted for me, I felt guilty for not measuring up.

Yesterday my shrink told me not to feel bad if I had trouble being motivated to do things that didn't matter to me, that it was human not to feel a connection to something that I truly don't have a connection to. That didn't really hit home to me until today. And I realized something else. I realized that if there is something that I do want, because I truly desire it for myself and not because someone else tells me I should want it, then I have all the strength I need to reach it. That if I move toward something that I hold in the core of my being, then nothing outside of myself can stand in my way.

As long as I hold true to myself, I will have the drive and persistence to move forward, the awareness to temper my fears and weaknesses, the strength to overcome anything that tries to stand in my way, and the knowledge that everything can come in time. If I don't know something, then I can learn it. If I feel weak, then determination can build my strength. That as long as I get out of my own way, nothing else can impede my path.

I always thought before that if I stopped making excuses and held myself completely accountable for my own existence that I would crack under the pressure and collapse beneath the weight of being responsible for my own destiny. What I realized today is that the burden is not my life pressing down on me, but fear and insecurity keeping me tethered to the ground. All I have to do is sever the cords holding me back and I can float free.

Now by no means does this mean that I'm all better and ready to take on the world singlehanded. It'll still take time to learn healthy ways to cut those strings. The way I figure it though, it's a step in the right direction.

Late Night Ramblings

I'm half asleep and I type this. I should just give in and close my eyes, but I'm the worst kind of insomniac, the kind who rebels again the weight that creeps into my lids because my brain isn't done yet. I finally figured out how to load a counter here, so now I can actually see if anyone alights on this page, and I'm almost surprised to discover that a few people have. Even more surprising is the fact that this doesn't seem to discourage me, I'm actually fine with the fact that perfect strangers have access to something that not even my closest friends know about. I'm even feeling a little driven to write something, anything, just to feel like I'm producing something, which is why I'm up now while my body yearns for the ecstasy of unconsciousness. I don't recall right now if I've mentioned, but I'm a bit of a writer with frequent writer's block. As such, being able to string anything together on a whim is a good thing for me.

I've been working on a story for a while now about a guy who gets pulled into another world and meets up with this werewolf girl who guides him as he tries to find his way home. Odds are that any of that could change before I actually finish it, if I even do. I have a bit of a fascination with werewolves, or even shape-shifters in general. Sapient ones though, shifters that retain control. I think it's cause I've spent most of my life wishing I could turn into someone else when I needed to escape and detach. That, and the fact that I feel this connection to the moon, which plays a big part in pop culture werewolf stories (traditional folklore makes no references, that was thanks to hollywood).

My connection with the moon stems from another source though, a greek myth referenced in Plato's Symposium. At one time mankind looked much different, each person had two heads, four arms, and four legs. There were three sexes instead of two, the children of the sun who looked as if they were made up of two men, the children of the earth composed of two women, and the children of the moon which were a little of each. Mankind angered the gods, so zeus chopped everyone in half as we are today, with each half longing to be returned to it's mate. I feel like a moon child, my head a little of each.

And my eyes keep drooping shut, so here I'll say good night.

Gay Marriage

Got into a discussion a while ago on the topic of gay marriage, and so I figured I might as well post my thoughts on the matter so any readers would have something other than random ranting to read.

Let me start off by saying yes, I am a christian (catholic), and no, I do not have any problem with homosexuality. I have always taken the bible as divinely inspired (not dictated), but with the knowledge that it was written down by human beings who are capable of error and vulnerable to the temptation of corrupting the message for their own purposes. It has also always been my belief that God does not do things at random, but with a logical purpose in mind, even if that purpose cannot be understood. I like to think this belief is supported by the fact that the book is referred to as "the Word", translated from the Greek "logos" which also means "logic" or "reason".

Yes, homosexuality is demonized in Leviticus. There are also many other laws in that chapter that dictate what was proper or "right" for society at that time. If you look through them, many seem quite rational because they provide ways to keep the society healthy, peaceful, and functional. Likewise, in a society that is smaller and persecuted, particularly in an age where child mortality rates were so high, it can be seen as logical to forbid unions that would not result in offspring. That being said, society today does not suffer from the same limitations today that the Jews did thousands of years ago. Many of the laws from the Old Testament were more or less overruled by the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament, and I believe homosexuality falls under that category.

Romans chapter 13
"8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear false witness,” “You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

This is one of my favorite passages from the bible. The element of homosexuality and any sex related "sin" that is considered bad is the lust, the cravings of the body that overwhelm the mind and cause the person to lose control and be a slave to desire. Gay marriage and relationships in general to me are not vehicles of lust but of love, because these unions are not about fulfilling the cravings of the body, but rather forming a loving and heartfelt connection to another soul, just as Jesus encourages. In a world that is this overpopulated, I don't believe that God would harbor resentment for two souls in love simply because the expression of that love does not result in offspring.

As far as legal reasoning goes, we have a separation of church and state in this country, so a law that is made based solely on religious reasoning is illegal. Section 1 of the 14th amendment of the U.S. Constitution states:

"All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."

Laws against gay marriage not only go against the spirit of the Constitution, but against the letter of the law as well.

Well, that's my opinion on the matter anyway.

Reverting Toward Normal

Looking back at the last couple of posts made me cringe a little. I'd promised myself that I wasn't going to turn into one of those people that does nothing but rant, but I guess my real purpose is getting these feelings out so that I don't bottle them up. That has to be healthy, right? I'm dreading this afternoon a little, I've been elected to drive my sister back to her apartment down by school, about an hour away. That should be interesting. It's a little funny how much easier it seems to be to write here now. When I started I felt a bit more apprehensive. Maybe that means that its actually helping, though it could just be that nobody actually reads this, which is more likely.

Sibling Rivalry

Is it wrong to hate your sister? To really and truly despise her? My sister is visiting home for spring break, and she has been a terror for the last 3 days, so much so that I've quarantined myself in my room so that I don't have to put up with her crap. She's belligerent, abusive, combative, everything but actually violent it seems sometimes. I speak and she screams at me for no rational reason at all, unless it's hormonal in which case I'd cut her a little slack. Then today she expects me to drive her into the city to check out a neat bookstore, because she's recently decided that she likes to read (the only positive influence that Twilight has had on this planet in my opinion). I decide to be the bigger person and grudgingly agree to take her, but decide that I'm too tired to drive, so ask her to. She goes off because she doesn't have insurance, though our parents could give her permission and be covered, and says she's not comfortable driving there anyway. When I maintain that I'm too tired to drive, she declares that she is done with me, stomps out of the room, up the stairs, and slams her door. Now going in the first place was meant to be a favor to her, so at this point I've had it. If she wants to be a little bitch yet again, then I say fine, she can deal with the fallout and I'm done being the nice guy. After four days of censuring what I say, how I speak, what I can and can't do, I've had it up to here. The next time she comes up and informs me that I need to do something for her, I'll tell her that she can just go to hell.

Isolation

It's an odd thing to feel completely alone in a house full of people. My sister is home for spring break, and while she was actually pretty cool for the first couple days, she has reverted to her natural state as cunt-who-shrieks-at-all-times. And because she's home my father is feeling even more put upon because he must actually share space with other human beings. So he's pissy and worth avoiding. And to top it all off, my mother is talking about leaving him. Again. I've been encouraging it since I was maybe 14, but she's never going to do it, she has to much of her self-esteem tied up in him. It's not that he's a bad person, it's just that he's an ass when he doesn't get his way, and he hasn't been getting his way because he is unreasonable. I sympathize with him, really I do, but he's the one who fucked me up (psychologically, not literally), and really fixing that shit takes time. You can't just plot out a timeline of when my head will be on straight again, if it ever really was to begin with. He just doesn't get that. So because of these freaks I've stayed up in my room all day playing video games. Which unfortunately leads to my mother coming up to inform me that I'm hiding from the world. She hasn't yet, I've been preempting her by rationally explaining my mental state, but I can tell she want to. She means well, but the last thing you want to hear is that you're relapsing from someone who doesn't have a fucking clue. I'm not hiding from the world, I'm avoiding the fucking tension that threatens to destroy the scarce fibers that are left of my sanity. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll just go to sleep and not wake up tomorrow. Man I wish that I'd finished my degree by now so that I could support myself and get out of this hell.

Identity

So here's a piece of information that's probably new and different: I am an androgyne. For those who don't know, this basically means that my gender identity does not match the sex of my body. Instead my mind is psychologically androgynous, somewhere between male and female rather than one or the other. This is one of the reasons I haven't disclosed my sex in any of my entries, I find it kinda irrelevant and misleading. What is between my legs really has nothing to do with how I think or act, so why should I let it cloud anyone's perception of me? When people know what you are they make certain assumptions, and more often or not those assumptions are wrong. In truth I seem to have more in common with the opposite sex than with my own and I've even cross-dressed on occasion, I just have no interest in changing my sex. I'm one of those people who doesn't easily fit in a nice, neat, little box. Maybe that's why the study of psychology interests me so much, because I want to find out which box I do fit in. Who knows, maybe I'll create a new one.

Calmer

So I told my parents that I wasn't gonna turn in the application. My mom was fine with it, she understands that I need to do what I need to do to get healthy, that I just need to worry about myself right now and stop trying to protect them. My Dad didn't take it so well. I have to hand it to him though, he did take it and without yelling or anything like that either. He's barely said two words to me since and I know that he's really frustrated, but he's trying very hard not to add his issues to my stress. I'm reading chapter four in my anxiety workbook, which is on relaxation. The first section says that people who are shy or anxious tend to breath shallowly, which can induce symptoms similar to panic. I spent a few hours today trying to retrain myself to breath deeply, from my abdomen instead of my chest. It is really hard to retrain the way you breath, so wish me luck.

Trembling

It's a frightening thing to go through the day with the awareness that you're almost shaking from anxiety for no real reason. I"m supposed to be applying for a job, the deadline for which is tomorrow, but I haven't finished the application yet after having it for almost two weeks. When I finally forced myself to sit down and come to grips with why I'd procrastinated, I realized that it was because I started to get very keyed up whenever I thought about turning in the application or about having the job. Now it's not a high stress job, just a library assistant, but still I just can't sit with the idea right now, it's trying to take too big a step right now and I think that if I try to push away what this feeling is telling me then it will just screw me up even more. My motivation for applying isn't because I want the job, it's because my parents want me to have a job and I feel this overwhelming need to appease them because my self-esteem is so tied up with their perception of me. The idea of standing up to them and saying that I think this is a bad idea scares me stiff, because I already constantly feel like I'm on thin ice with them and I just can't deal with feeling like I'm disappointing them again. How screwed up is that, both options leave me shaking and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and wait for it to go away. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Days like this I really wish I could reload my existence from the last savepoint.

Moving Forward

I mentioned to my shrink today that I had started blogging as a way to start desensitizing myself. She thought it was a great idea. I mentioned it to my dad too, but didn't give him my user name or any other info. If he stumbles across it then cool, but if I know for a fact that he or anyone else in my life is reading this, then I'm going to start getting really uncomfortable and censer things. As it is this is kinda on the edge of my comfort zone, I usually have a hard enough time vocalizing my mind to myself, let alone putting it out into the universe for anyone to read. But baby steps, right? And I'm not exactly keeping myself completely in the dark, I may not have told anyone where to find this, but I am using the same signature that I use other places. If they decide they really want to see it they can probably find it easily enough, I just don't have to know about it. Unless I see a response from someone, it's no more difficult than talking to the air. And if I come to realize that someone is reading this, then I don't have to start getting uncomfortable because odds are you have no idea who I am. I wouldn't have to start worrying about how what I say can be taken, or if you will start judging me for saying something stupid, because it's not something I have to deal with everyday, there are no feelings to worry about preserving. For maybe the first time in my life I can really express myself without automatically converting to who someone else needs me to be. It really is a powerful feeling to realize that I have the freedom to be completely myself.

Digital Dreams

Another sleepless night, though this time from my own fault. I climb into bed, hoping for an early night and end up losing myself in Harvest Moon for four hours. It is insane that such a simple game can suck you in so deeply, that as I feel my eyelids weighed down by the burden of exhaustion I still keep playing. Maybe my mom is right, maybe I am a bit addicted to games. It's just so much easier than real life, as stupid as that sounds. Sometimes I wish life was like a video game. If you aren't quite sure about a decision, then save first and reload if you don't like the outcome. You'd always know that you were moving forward because you'd get a checkpoint alert. You'd never have to worry about taking risks because you couldn't really get hurt. Anything you might really need to overcome an obstacle would be provided, or at least you'd be told where to look for it. And if everything just goes to shit around you, or if you just get tired of where you're at, all you have to do is hit reset and start over from the beginning. Unfortunately, existence isn't anything like that, you always have to go through the hard way, no cheat codes to type in and lighten the load.

Waiting for the Sandman

Insomnia really is a terrible thing. Not only does it keep you up at night, but it makes your next day hell. As I type this all I can think is that I should have been unconscious hours ago, but no, my body has decided to be petulant. I want to say something clever right about now, but my brain is too tired. On a totally unrelated note, hair and duct tape don't really get along so well. That is all.

Back Pain

Just got back from day one of physical therapy. I've had a bad back for years and my mother finally badgered me into getting it checked out, so today I got to go in and get prodded. Wasn't too bad actually, the woman that I saw was quite friendly and informative. Turns out if you have tight hamstrings that aren't very flexible it can add stress to your lower back. Rather than trying to touch your toes as a way to stretch those muscles, what you want to do is A) lie on your back, B) lift one knee toward your armpit, C) hold the back of your leg with both hands right below the knee, D) straighten your leg until you start to feel the stretch, and E) hold that position while you rotate that ankle 30 times. Then, obviously, the other leg. Also, a way to help support your spine and back muscles if you need to bend or lift or whatever is to contract your abdominal muscle. This does not mean sucking in your stomach, this means tensing the stomach muscle that is about even with or right below your belly button. Imagine if someone was going to punch you in the gut, that's the muscle you would want to tense to protect yourself. And with any back pain walking on a flat surface is the best way to start relieving the strain, assuming of course that the pain isn't so bad that you can't walk. Anyway, that's me being helpful today.

In Beginning

So hi to anyone who actually reads this, though I'm sure those will be few and far between, at least for a while. I don't really know how to start. I am a very shy person, socially phobic in fact, and this is one of the ways I thought might help me get over that. Speaking into the anonymity of the ether just feels easier for some reason, safer. It gives people a chance to see into your core being without the limitations and snap judgements made by a first impression in the physical world. I don't really know how this will progress. Ideally I'll be able to articulate deeper thoughts, but I'm guessing that this will be more of a chronicle of activities or rants, at least till I get some practice. And as much as I want to write something more, my mind is blank at present, and besides I have to get in the shower. Bye.