Tired

I realized something today. I'm just being stupid by being vague about my sex here, so screw it, I'm a girl. Well, tomboy. I have all of these defenses that I build up around me, and I really need to start learning to thaw them. When I realized that I was an androgyne a few years ago I should have embraced the fact that I had learned something new about myself and moved forward, but instead I latched onto it as an excuse to hide parts of myself from other people. I'm very good at that, hiding behind a mask so that no one can see the gooey core underneath, particularly at hiding from myself. And as long as I keep this safety buffer of vagueness hovering around me, all I'm doing it standing still.

Realized today that my plan to move out and get an apartment with some friends wouldn't work. Had a panic attack when I tried to work up the courage to tell them that I was gonna have to pull out. So far it's worked out okay though, one of them is pretty ticked, but the other is amazingly understanding. She is my absolute hero right now. I don't want to use anyone's real name here, so I'll call her Kinetia, since she's always got so much energy due to the amount of coffee that she drinks. Oh, and yes, I took two years of Greek in college, so any code names I use will be based on Greek names or root. Cause it's fun. But back to what I was saying, it is really frustrating that after all this time I still can't seem to look before I dive into something. For months I've been telling them that I was going to live with them, not question about it, but the night before I have to turn in the rental application I have to back out. At least this time I managed to get out before I really started drowning. Maybe I am doing a little better after all.