Trembling

It's a frightening thing to go through the day with the awareness that you're almost shaking from anxiety for no real reason. I"m supposed to be applying for a job, the deadline for which is tomorrow, but I haven't finished the application yet after having it for almost two weeks. When I finally forced myself to sit down and come to grips with why I'd procrastinated, I realized that it was because I started to get very keyed up whenever I thought about turning in the application or about having the job. Now it's not a high stress job, just a library assistant, but still I just can't sit with the idea right now, it's trying to take too big a step right now and I think that if I try to push away what this feeling is telling me then it will just screw me up even more. My motivation for applying isn't because I want the job, it's because my parents want me to have a job and I feel this overwhelming need to appease them because my self-esteem is so tied up with their perception of me. The idea of standing up to them and saying that I think this is a bad idea scares me stiff, because I already constantly feel like I'm on thin ice with them and I just can't deal with feeling like I'm disappointing them again. How screwed up is that, both options leave me shaking and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and wait for it to go away. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Days like this I really wish I could reload my existence from the last savepoint.