Gay Marriage

Got into a discussion a while ago on the topic of gay marriage, and so I figured I might as well post my thoughts on the matter so any readers would have something other than random ranting to read.

Let me start off by saying yes, I am a christian (catholic), and no, I do not have any problem with homosexuality. I have always taken the bible as divinely inspired (not dictated), but with the knowledge that it was written down by human beings who are capable of error and vulnerable to the temptation of corrupting the message for their own purposes. It has also always been my belief that God does not do things at random, but with a logical purpose in mind, even if that purpose cannot be understood. I like to think this belief is supported by the fact that the book is referred to as "the Word", translated from the Greek "logos" which also means "logic" or "reason".

Yes, homosexuality is demonized in Leviticus. There are also many other laws in that chapter that dictate what was proper or "right" for society at that time. If you look through them, many seem quite rational because they provide ways to keep the society healthy, peaceful, and functional. Likewise, in a society that is smaller and persecuted, particularly in an age where child mortality rates were so high, it can be seen as logical to forbid unions that would not result in offspring. That being said, society today does not suffer from the same limitations today that the Jews did thousands of years ago. Many of the laws from the Old Testament were more or less overruled by the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament, and I believe homosexuality falls under that category.

Romans chapter 13
"8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear false witness,” “You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

This is one of my favorite passages from the bible. The element of homosexuality and any sex related "sin" that is considered bad is the lust, the cravings of the body that overwhelm the mind and cause the person to lose control and be a slave to desire. Gay marriage and relationships in general to me are not vehicles of lust but of love, because these unions are not about fulfilling the cravings of the body, but rather forming a loving and heartfelt connection to another soul, just as Jesus encourages. In a world that is this overpopulated, I don't believe that God would harbor resentment for two souls in love simply because the expression of that love does not result in offspring.

As far as legal reasoning goes, we have a separation of church and state in this country, so a law that is made based solely on religious reasoning is illegal. Section 1 of the 14th amendment of the U.S. Constitution states:

"All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."

Laws against gay marriage not only go against the spirit of the Constitution, but against the letter of the law as well.

Well, that's my opinion on the matter anyway.

Reverting Toward Normal

Looking back at the last couple of posts made me cringe a little. I'd promised myself that I wasn't going to turn into one of those people that does nothing but rant, but I guess my real purpose is getting these feelings out so that I don't bottle them up. That has to be healthy, right? I'm dreading this afternoon a little, I've been elected to drive my sister back to her apartment down by school, about an hour away. That should be interesting. It's a little funny how much easier it seems to be to write here now. When I started I felt a bit more apprehensive. Maybe that means that its actually helping, though it could just be that nobody actually reads this, which is more likely.

Sibling Rivalry

Is it wrong to hate your sister? To really and truly despise her? My sister is visiting home for spring break, and she has been a terror for the last 3 days, so much so that I've quarantined myself in my room so that I don't have to put up with her crap. She's belligerent, abusive, combative, everything but actually violent it seems sometimes. I speak and she screams at me for no rational reason at all, unless it's hormonal in which case I'd cut her a little slack. Then today she expects me to drive her into the city to check out a neat bookstore, because she's recently decided that she likes to read (the only positive influence that Twilight has had on this planet in my opinion). I decide to be the bigger person and grudgingly agree to take her, but decide that I'm too tired to drive, so ask her to. She goes off because she doesn't have insurance, though our parents could give her permission and be covered, and says she's not comfortable driving there anyway. When I maintain that I'm too tired to drive, she declares that she is done with me, stomps out of the room, up the stairs, and slams her door. Now going in the first place was meant to be a favor to her, so at this point I've had it. If she wants to be a little bitch yet again, then I say fine, she can deal with the fallout and I'm done being the nice guy. After four days of censuring what I say, how I speak, what I can and can't do, I've had it up to here. The next time she comes up and informs me that I need to do something for her, I'll tell her that she can just go to hell.

Isolation

It's an odd thing to feel completely alone in a house full of people. My sister is home for spring break, and while she was actually pretty cool for the first couple days, she has reverted to her natural state as cunt-who-shrieks-at-all-times. And because she's home my father is feeling even more put upon because he must actually share space with other human beings. So he's pissy and worth avoiding. And to top it all off, my mother is talking about leaving him. Again. I've been encouraging it since I was maybe 14, but she's never going to do it, she has to much of her self-esteem tied up in him. It's not that he's a bad person, it's just that he's an ass when he doesn't get his way, and he hasn't been getting his way because he is unreasonable. I sympathize with him, really I do, but he's the one who fucked me up (psychologically, not literally), and really fixing that shit takes time. You can't just plot out a timeline of when my head will be on straight again, if it ever really was to begin with. He just doesn't get that. So because of these freaks I've stayed up in my room all day playing video games. Which unfortunately leads to my mother coming up to inform me that I'm hiding from the world. She hasn't yet, I've been preempting her by rationally explaining my mental state, but I can tell she want to. She means well, but the last thing you want to hear is that you're relapsing from someone who doesn't have a fucking clue. I'm not hiding from the world, I'm avoiding the fucking tension that threatens to destroy the scarce fibers that are left of my sanity. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll just go to sleep and not wake up tomorrow. Man I wish that I'd finished my degree by now so that I could support myself and get out of this hell.

Identity

So here's a piece of information that's probably new and different: I am an androgyne. For those who don't know, this basically means that my gender identity does not match the sex of my body. Instead my mind is psychologically androgynous, somewhere between male and female rather than one or the other. This is one of the reasons I haven't disclosed my sex in any of my entries, I find it kinda irrelevant and misleading. What is between my legs really has nothing to do with how I think or act, so why should I let it cloud anyone's perception of me? When people know what you are they make certain assumptions, and more often or not those assumptions are wrong. In truth I seem to have more in common with the opposite sex than with my own and I've even cross-dressed on occasion, I just have no interest in changing my sex. I'm one of those people who doesn't easily fit in a nice, neat, little box. Maybe that's why the study of psychology interests me so much, because I want to find out which box I do fit in. Who knows, maybe I'll create a new one.

Calmer

So I told my parents that I wasn't gonna turn in the application. My mom was fine with it, she understands that I need to do what I need to do to get healthy, that I just need to worry about myself right now and stop trying to protect them. My Dad didn't take it so well. I have to hand it to him though, he did take it and without yelling or anything like that either. He's barely said two words to me since and I know that he's really frustrated, but he's trying very hard not to add his issues to my stress. I'm reading chapter four in my anxiety workbook, which is on relaxation. The first section says that people who are shy or anxious tend to breath shallowly, which can induce symptoms similar to panic. I spent a few hours today trying to retrain myself to breath deeply, from my abdomen instead of my chest. It is really hard to retrain the way you breath, so wish me luck.

Trembling

It's a frightening thing to go through the day with the awareness that you're almost shaking from anxiety for no real reason. I"m supposed to be applying for a job, the deadline for which is tomorrow, but I haven't finished the application yet after having it for almost two weeks. When I finally forced myself to sit down and come to grips with why I'd procrastinated, I realized that it was because I started to get very keyed up whenever I thought about turning in the application or about having the job. Now it's not a high stress job, just a library assistant, but still I just can't sit with the idea right now, it's trying to take too big a step right now and I think that if I try to push away what this feeling is telling me then it will just screw me up even more. My motivation for applying isn't because I want the job, it's because my parents want me to have a job and I feel this overwhelming need to appease them because my self-esteem is so tied up with their perception of me. The idea of standing up to them and saying that I think this is a bad idea scares me stiff, because I already constantly feel like I'm on thin ice with them and I just can't deal with feeling like I'm disappointing them again. How screwed up is that, both options leave me shaking and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and wait for it to go away. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Days like this I really wish I could reload my existence from the last savepoint.

Moving Forward

I mentioned to my shrink today that I had started blogging as a way to start desensitizing myself. She thought it was a great idea. I mentioned it to my dad too, but didn't give him my user name or any other info. If he stumbles across it then cool, but if I know for a fact that he or anyone else in my life is reading this, then I'm going to start getting really uncomfortable and censer things. As it is this is kinda on the edge of my comfort zone, I usually have a hard enough time vocalizing my mind to myself, let alone putting it out into the universe for anyone to read. But baby steps, right? And I'm not exactly keeping myself completely in the dark, I may not have told anyone where to find this, but I am using the same signature that I use other places. If they decide they really want to see it they can probably find it easily enough, I just don't have to know about it. Unless I see a response from someone, it's no more difficult than talking to the air. And if I come to realize that someone is reading this, then I don't have to start getting uncomfortable because odds are you have no idea who I am. I wouldn't have to start worrying about how what I say can be taken, or if you will start judging me for saying something stupid, because it's not something I have to deal with everyday, there are no feelings to worry about preserving. For maybe the first time in my life I can really express myself without automatically converting to who someone else needs me to be. It really is a powerful feeling to realize that I have the freedom to be completely myself.

Digital Dreams

Another sleepless night, though this time from my own fault. I climb into bed, hoping for an early night and end up losing myself in Harvest Moon for four hours. It is insane that such a simple game can suck you in so deeply, that as I feel my eyelids weighed down by the burden of exhaustion I still keep playing. Maybe my mom is right, maybe I am a bit addicted to games. It's just so much easier than real life, as stupid as that sounds. Sometimes I wish life was like a video game. If you aren't quite sure about a decision, then save first and reload if you don't like the outcome. You'd always know that you were moving forward because you'd get a checkpoint alert. You'd never have to worry about taking risks because you couldn't really get hurt. Anything you might really need to overcome an obstacle would be provided, or at least you'd be told where to look for it. And if everything just goes to shit around you, or if you just get tired of where you're at, all you have to do is hit reset and start over from the beginning. Unfortunately, existence isn't anything like that, you always have to go through the hard way, no cheat codes to type in and lighten the load.

Waiting for the Sandman

Insomnia really is a terrible thing. Not only does it keep you up at night, but it makes your next day hell. As I type this all I can think is that I should have been unconscious hours ago, but no, my body has decided to be petulant. I want to say something clever right about now, but my brain is too tired. On a totally unrelated note, hair and duct tape don't really get along so well. That is all.

Back Pain

Just got back from day one of physical therapy. I've had a bad back for years and my mother finally badgered me into getting it checked out, so today I got to go in and get prodded. Wasn't too bad actually, the woman that I saw was quite friendly and informative. Turns out if you have tight hamstrings that aren't very flexible it can add stress to your lower back. Rather than trying to touch your toes as a way to stretch those muscles, what you want to do is A) lie on your back, B) lift one knee toward your armpit, C) hold the back of your leg with both hands right below the knee, D) straighten your leg until you start to feel the stretch, and E) hold that position while you rotate that ankle 30 times. Then, obviously, the other leg. Also, a way to help support your spine and back muscles if you need to bend or lift or whatever is to contract your abdominal muscle. This does not mean sucking in your stomach, this means tensing the stomach muscle that is about even with or right below your belly button. Imagine if someone was going to punch you in the gut, that's the muscle you would want to tense to protect yourself. And with any back pain walking on a flat surface is the best way to start relieving the strain, assuming of course that the pain isn't so bad that you can't walk. Anyway, that's me being helpful today.

In Beginning

So hi to anyone who actually reads this, though I'm sure those will be few and far between, at least for a while. I don't really know how to start. I am a very shy person, socially phobic in fact, and this is one of the ways I thought might help me get over that. Speaking into the anonymity of the ether just feels easier for some reason, safer. It gives people a chance to see into your core being without the limitations and snap judgements made by a first impression in the physical world. I don't really know how this will progress. Ideally I'll be able to articulate deeper thoughts, but I'm guessing that this will be more of a chronicle of activities or rants, at least till I get some practice. And as much as I want to write something more, my mind is blank at present, and besides I have to get in the shower. Bye.