Tired

I realized something today. I'm just being stupid by being vague about my sex here, so screw it, I'm a girl. Well, tomboy. I have all of these defenses that I build up around me, and I really need to start learning to thaw them. When I realized that I was an androgyne a few years ago I should have embraced the fact that I had learned something new about myself and moved forward, but instead I latched onto it as an excuse to hide parts of myself from other people. I'm very good at that, hiding behind a mask so that no one can see the gooey core underneath, particularly at hiding from myself. And as long as I keep this safety buffer of vagueness hovering around me, all I'm doing it standing still.

Realized today that my plan to move out and get an apartment with some friends wouldn't work. Had a panic attack when I tried to work up the courage to tell them that I was gonna have to pull out. So far it's worked out okay though, one of them is pretty ticked, but the other is amazingly understanding. She is my absolute hero right now. I don't want to use anyone's real name here, so I'll call her Kinetia, since she's always got so much energy due to the amount of coffee that she drinks. Oh, and yes, I took two years of Greek in college, so any code names I use will be based on Greek names or root. Cause it's fun. But back to what I was saying, it is really frustrating that after all this time I still can't seem to look before I dive into something. For months I've been telling them that I was going to live with them, not question about it, but the night before I have to turn in the rental application I have to back out. At least this time I managed to get out before I really started drowning. Maybe I am doing a little better after all.

Fallout

So after announcing my great epiphany I consequently crashed from my "high" and slumped into a funk. Nothing in my life that I can think of triggering it, just my brain chemistry screwing with my mind I guess. I donated blood about the same time, which probably left me anemic and the resulting fatigue might have been enough to affect my mood. Unfortunately this coincided with my mother having a bit of a tantrum and informing me that I'm not accomplishing anything and that I better start shaping up or she's going to pull her support. She apologized later that day for being insensitive, but I still avoided her for about a day and a half. On a positive note, this event left me more pissed than anxious, so in anger and frustration I wrote her a letter explaining what I need and why I can't let her make the rules. I've spent my entire life trying to be who other people needed me to be, and if I'm finally going to break that cycle I have to do it on my terms, not someone else's. I think this time she finally heard me. Right after I sent it, I found a list of guidelines in my anxiety workbook for the support people of those with phobias and anxiety disorders. Among the "rules" are don't push the phobic, don't make demands, don't criticize, let the phobic make the rules and do things in their own time, trying to control the situation only causes alienation. So, in other words, don't act like my mother.

Reconnected tonight with a good friend that I haven't really given myself an opportunity to talk to for a while. He's someone that I had a really big crush on when I was at my first college. Still haven't completely got over it in fact. I'd told him before, but kinda on accident, a rare blip of courage that quickly fizzled and left me overly worried about the outcome. As a result I always felt that I botched the situation because I let myself stress too much. Now that I am 5 years older, and consequently much wiser, I now possess knowledge of a great truth about dating. If someone is not interested in you, it does not mean that they are rejecting you! It simply means that that kind of chemistry isn't present. It's not a judgement, not a rejection, not a lack in you, just a reality. This is why if you think you have feelings for a friend it doesn't have to be scary to tell them, clearly they do not reject who you are because they enjoy spending time with you, they just might not feel the same chemistry that you do. And there is nothing wrong with that. If I had realized that then I could have remained calm instead of stressing about the situation, worrying about whether he agreed to a date because he was actually interested or because he was a kind person who didn't want to hurt my feelings. And if I was calm something might have happened instead of me acting awkward the whole time and not pursuing anything afterwards. Even now I want to say something to him about it, but my stupid phobia is holding back from bringing up the subject 5 years after the fact, because at this point I've waited too long to bring it up, right? Well maybe I'll get a second chance despite myself. Mentioned in my email to him that I was blogging, so for all I know he tracked this down and is reading it right now. If so, then hi, guess now you know. Part of my brain is screaming 'no don't put this out where he could see it', but then the whole point of this blog is to desensitize myself, open up and expose what it is that makes me feel vulnerable so that I can learn to move past it. Even so, I can't believe that I'm actually posting this. Lets call it my breakthrough for the day.