Gaining Perspective

Do you know what the most terrifying thing in the world is? The realization that everything you want, everything you need is right within your grasp. That you have the power to take control whenever you choose. It is a frightening thing to realize that you have that much power, and that all you need to do is use it. I don't mean physical power, or power over any one else, just the strength of character to do what you must.

My whole life I've felt weak and overwhelmed, out of touch with the rest of the world unless someone else was telling me what I needed to do, what I was supposed to achieve, and who I was meant to be. And when I couldn't stick with what others wanted for me, I felt guilty for not measuring up.

Yesterday my shrink told me not to feel bad if I had trouble being motivated to do things that didn't matter to me, that it was human not to feel a connection to something that I truly don't have a connection to. That didn't really hit home to me until today. And I realized something else. I realized that if there is something that I do want, because I truly desire it for myself and not because someone else tells me I should want it, then I have all the strength I need to reach it. That if I move toward something that I hold in the core of my being, then nothing outside of myself can stand in my way.

As long as I hold true to myself, I will have the drive and persistence to move forward, the awareness to temper my fears and weaknesses, the strength to overcome anything that tries to stand in my way, and the knowledge that everything can come in time. If I don't know something, then I can learn it. If I feel weak, then determination can build my strength. That as long as I get out of my own way, nothing else can impede my path.

I always thought before that if I stopped making excuses and held myself completely accountable for my own existence that I would crack under the pressure and collapse beneath the weight of being responsible for my own destiny. What I realized today is that the burden is not my life pressing down on me, but fear and insecurity keeping me tethered to the ground. All I have to do is sever the cords holding me back and I can float free.

Now by no means does this mean that I'm all better and ready to take on the world singlehanded. It'll still take time to learn healthy ways to cut those strings. The way I figure it though, it's a step in the right direction.

Late Night Ramblings

I'm half asleep and I type this. I should just give in and close my eyes, but I'm the worst kind of insomniac, the kind who rebels again the weight that creeps into my lids because my brain isn't done yet. I finally figured out how to load a counter here, so now I can actually see if anyone alights on this page, and I'm almost surprised to discover that a few people have. Even more surprising is the fact that this doesn't seem to discourage me, I'm actually fine with the fact that perfect strangers have access to something that not even my closest friends know about. I'm even feeling a little driven to write something, anything, just to feel like I'm producing something, which is why I'm up now while my body yearns for the ecstasy of unconsciousness. I don't recall right now if I've mentioned, but I'm a bit of a writer with frequent writer's block. As such, being able to string anything together on a whim is a good thing for me.

I've been working on a story for a while now about a guy who gets pulled into another world and meets up with this werewolf girl who guides him as he tries to find his way home. Odds are that any of that could change before I actually finish it, if I even do. I have a bit of a fascination with werewolves, or even shape-shifters in general. Sapient ones though, shifters that retain control. I think it's cause I've spent most of my life wishing I could turn into someone else when I needed to escape and detach. That, and the fact that I feel this connection to the moon, which plays a big part in pop culture werewolf stories (traditional folklore makes no references, that was thanks to hollywood).

My connection with the moon stems from another source though, a greek myth referenced in Plato's Symposium. At one time mankind looked much different, each person had two heads, four arms, and four legs. There were three sexes instead of two, the children of the sun who looked as if they were made up of two men, the children of the earth composed of two women, and the children of the moon which were a little of each. Mankind angered the gods, so zeus chopped everyone in half as we are today, with each half longing to be returned to it's mate. I feel like a moon child, my head a little of each.

And my eyes keep drooping shut, so here I'll say good night.